We prayed and asked if this was the route we would have to take. We didn't receive an answer quite yet so an appointment was made to meet with an infertility specialist. She planned out the whole thing for us; two rounds of IUI then if those didn't work we would do one round of IVF. We left the office feeling okay about the decisions we were making, but it was breaking my heart that we would have to have help with something that is so natural within its self. Amazingly a few days after we met with the Specialist we found out we were pregnant! Crazy how things work out. We were able to enjoy that baby for the most beautiful 3 weeks, then the tragedy of loosing her tore me/us apart.
There was no rime or reason to why it happened. But going through the pain of loosing that baby i was able to feel the utmost love and comfort from my Heavenly Father. These feelings were so strong that i couldn't give up. He gave me a little glimpse, an answer, of what could be and that it can happen the way i have always wanted it to. It was a harsh and painful way to learn and to continue to have hope but I am grateful for every second. Four months later I was pregnant again!
Now this may sound silly because of what was just written above but I am scared out of my mind to physically bring a child into this world!
I am really pushing for a non medicated delivery, and that could be the majority of my fears. I feel like i was blessed to bring this baby into world naturally i want to deliver her naturally.
My goal isn't to show how tough I can be or to prove some sort of girl power whatever. I simply think that this is what my body was created for. This is what God commanded me to do and with his help and love we can over come the pain and fears together. I know a lot of women are probably shaking there head and saying something like "you have no idea what you're getting yourself into" and you are right, I have no idea how much pain it will be and that is what scares me. I know this is going to rock my world and I will most likely regret the decision while i am wanting to rip my body apart. But knowing that this is why women were created and the fact that so many women have done non medicated deliveries gives me some comfort and hope in the matter.
Another reason why I want to go non medicated is because I want to know that I can do this. That I can endure that much pain for the life of my new born daughter. I want to know that even through all of the fear, pain, and exhaustion I am doing this for her. For her to have a life here and a chance on this earth to grow and learn. I know that even if i did a medicated delivery i would still have these wants for my daughter but something about going through that physical pain helps me see that i will be able to handle whatever emotional pain she will bring. I'm not saying that she will go to jail or whatever. I'm saying once she grows up to be an adult and wont need me anymore. When i become someone she visits instead of depending on for everything. Not being her world. Because she will always be mine. How will I be able to cope with that pain? So going through the physical anguish is one step closer to being stronger and knowing I can do hard things and overcome the emotions of a mother.