10.15.2010

feel

girls, ladies, & women feel this once in their life time. As for me, I feel it every single day of my life. It affects my moods, my drive to do anything, and the way i see myself. I see women everyday and they seem to be so confident and happy. But it might be just an act, who really knows?
I wish every day that i could not feel fat, chubby, fluffy, or thick.
I know its something only i can change no one else has the ability to change the way i feel, only i have the power to do so. Its a lot easier to say/write then it is to do. I've always had the urge to change and i always begin to. But then i see no change and get discouraged and end up eating unhealthy and quite going to the gym. And then just go right back into my bad habits. A horrible and irritating cycle.
I heard from a lovely source that "nothing tastes as good, as skinny feels" and i can agree and disagree with this saying. I love the way food tastes, mainly carbs: bread, pasta, pizza, cheese, ect. And i feel like if i dont have some sort of soda everyday i would go thru withdrawals. But the funny thing is that every time i eat/drink anything like that i feel fat, yucky and not happy. It's like i know what i do is not good for me yet i continue to eat.
Now i can agree with the saying because i have been "skinny" in my past. (just so everyone knows... i know i'm not fat... i just feel it!) And when i was skinny i felt great, i felt like i looked great, and i felt happy. and i want to feel that way again.
The reason why i'm writing about this is because i want to have the drive, motivation, and ability to feel better about my weight. I want to be able to wake up in then morning and feel energized. When i get dressed i dont want to try on everything in my closet, and end up settling for the baggiest shirt. I dont want to look at myself in the mirror and cry because i hate i what i see. I hate it.
So maybe writing about this will help me to start feeling better. Maybe it will help me get more motivated. Or maybe its just a waist of time. Who really knows?

2 comments:

Browns said...

We all have our insecurities and it gets hard facing them day to day. You are so beautiful at any weight honestly! I would love to help you and support you in anyway that I can... You know I love you so much and just want you to be happy!

Meag-a-Leigh said...

Hey Lady!,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been struggling with the same thing lately and last month I was just like you, I hate looking in the mirror and I still have to talk myself out of tears almost everyday. I just want you to know that I think you are SO beautiful! This is gonna sound like a fib but I swear my husband had to band me from blogging and facebook for a week because I would go to your as well as another girls facebook and blog and just wish I was as pretty! You are gorgeous Carlyn. I am so sorry its so hard, but keep praying and the lord will help you. Hope it gets better for you!!

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